|
|
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) _trenton
there's my new journal. add me if you wish. if not, it's been nice having you on my friends list. it's time for the change to take place.
good-bye.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
|
|
|
Tarl was my first real best friend, he's the kid I corrupted, he's the kid I hold tight in my heart who I don't hear enough from anymore. Because of him I wanted a name beginning with a T.
Tiffany/Lily was the first girl I ever had a real crush on. She's the girl who taught me to be myself, she's the girl who corrupted me, she's the girl I don't hear enough from anymore. Because of her I wanted a unique name.
My list was down to Tavian, Tobias, Trenton, and Tavis a few hours ago.
And it's come down to one now. It's come down to a somewhat unique name but not too unique. A name that reminds me of my high school years, of my friends, of my family, of the life I've led.
But it's also a name of a new beginning. A name that signifies who I've become from the last 21 years of life. It signifies that I've changed and I will continue changing until I become the boy in my dreams, until beyond that.
This name is me.
My name is Trenton. I appreciate all the suggestions given to me, I'll be emailing them to my parents along with my new first name so they can choose the middle name, although they might go with something completely different.
In the next day or two I will be making a new journal, a journal for my new journey, and this one will vanish into the sands of time. Again, if you want on the friends list, ask. If you're tired of me, don't.
I appreciate everyone who's reading this. You all have helped me on the way to this name, this gender, this life I was destined to lead.
|
|
Comments: Read 20 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, October 12th, 2002
|
|
|
I keep defining and redefining who I am. I really do think too much, and yes, a lot of the time it's about who I am. So, my partner has been gone the last few days and I've had a lot of extra thinking time and that's either good or bad and I don't really care which.
First off I'm pansexual. There's an easy one. I like boys and I like girls and I like boys who look like girls and I like girls who look like boys and I like.....[etc etc etc] I don't care what's between their legs either. So yes. I like the human race. [of consenting age, of course]
As far as what I am, well, I'm a boy. I don't totally fit the boy societal expectations or the girls societal expectations however I'm very much more boy than girl. Right now I'm calling myself a boy and the reasoning is much more valid in my head than before. I spent around 20 years being a girl, being a dyke, being someone who didn't totally fit in her skin. Then I was genderqueer or of varying genders for about a year. But I'm ready to be a boy now, I'm ready for that goatee and sideburns. I don't know if I'll fit better as a man but I guess nobody completely knows until they go there and I'm ready to go there. It's been 21 years of waiting for it and now is the time.
Ok, there's also the name business. Indigo is a very non-gendered or even feminine name and I don't know if I can handle that nor do I want to even try to get it legally changed to that[I know you guys want to shoot me for changing it again and I don't blame you]. But Maxx isn't a name that I definately want to keep now that every product in the world has something called max, also the meaning of the name doesn't fit me. So I'm searching for that Perfect name and until then allowing everyone to call me whatever they want. I'm going to be asking my parents to provide my middle name and coming out completely at that time, which I already am to my mother but not my father.
I'll probably be abandoning this LJ soon in favor of one with my new chosen name or something totally nonsequitar. As much as I love this journal I've had it long enough and it's time for it to go.
Comments involving possible names for me or my journal are welcome. And if you want a definate spot on my friends list, let me know that too. I appreciate everyone who's been there for me thus far and I appreciate everyone who will continue this journey with me.
|
|
Comments: Read 60 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, October 11th, 2002
|
| Subject: | dream. |
| Time: | 11:09 am. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. | | Music: | atom and his package-the metric system. |
|
so i woke up this morning from a weird dream that i couldn't remember. i still can't remember most of it but that's not the point. the point is i was talking to one of my friends and ze mentioned binding....
and i remembered that somewhere in the course of this crazy fucking dream i was with my family. i was with my family, walking around with my shirt off [i do this at home a lot but i wouldnt around my family] and my mother fucking gave me chest reconstruction!!! and i was so AMAZINGLY HAPPY about this, i was just walking around staring at myself, being happy about my body and being happy about who i was.
and i've been thinking about that ever since. and i wanted to share it. transition has been on my mind a lot and god, this was the best dream ever.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, October 4th, 2002
|
|
|
i'm so excited that * is coming up tonight that i don't know what to do. rawr.
tomorrow is the shepard march and look for a job day. wish me luck! i don't want to go back to mcdonald's ever.
uhm. yeah. that's it.
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
My new name has been changed. Instead of Blue I'm going by "indigo revolution."
thank you and goodnight.
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
|
|
|
i'm so butch. i just fixed the shower doors. not that i know how i did it, but whatever. rawr.
i haven't been writing here. i've been depressed but i'm trying to work on that and i'm seriously considering finding a psychiatrist or therapist or something. i want to stop being upset all the time. i also could stand to work on anxiety and gender issues.
oh, i've also decided that i really like the name "blue." so if you feel like calling me that, go for it. if not, i don't even really care.
that is all.
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
|
| Time: | 9:41 am. |
| Mood: |  awake. |
|
hurray for my mom! i just talked to her on aim and was asking her what she was doing for thanksgiving. she had no idea but she says if i come down she'll make a turkey. woohoo! [now she's off on a tangent about some dude in a loincloth she saw at a rennaissance fair. silly mom.] it'll be so wonderful to see her and echo and tony. i miss them!
also on the subject of trips, i really want to go to TSC in february. i must figure that out because it's important to me. i wanted to go last time but there was no way i could have. i'm going to get my mom to give me money for xmas, as usual, to help aid that trip. [also, who else is going???]
uhm, yeah, it's all cold in here. falls in chicago just aren't the same as back home. maybe because there was lots of nature back home. sigh.
ok, that's all.
|
|
Comments: Read 12 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, September 14th, 2002
|
| Subject: | bah. |
| Time: | 9:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | 311-beautiful disaster. |
|
even though a lot of stuff has happened lately, i haven't been updating. i haven't been doing ANY kind of writing lately. i've just been out of it a lot, i guess.
so since i updated: [er. at least i think this is all in the last few days]
david from the real world new orleans came into mcdonalds. ha, he was a jackass on the show but i was just like "whee. someone kind of but not really famous". it just proves how different chicago is from the town i moved from.
i had a job interview at border's. hopefully they'll be calling soon and having me in for a 2nd interview. i really really want this job, especially now that i know all the fucking awesome benefits!
i made sure a big mac for celine dion was pretty. hahaha. that's the best thing on this fucking list. this guy came in and ordered a bunch of food then asked me to make sure the big mac looked nice. i wasn't going to worry about it, i hate when people ask me to do that, but he whispered that it was for celine dion and showed me his backstage pass to her room or whatever. so yeah. it was a pretty big mac. hope she liked it. lol.
annnnnd, i went to the bitch and animal show. it was the best concert i've ever been to and i have a crush on animal times about 4 billion. he smiled at me and i was all stupid and blushy. but i got to talk to him after the show too. yipee! i'm actually going to attempt to write them a letter to tell them how great i think they are.
uhm. that's all i can think of that's important. today was crappy but i got off work early. and i'm not looking forward to next week. i close 3 days. sigh.
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
|
|
Monday, September 9th, 2002
|
|
|
guess who has a job interview?
yep, that'd be me. Borders just called and i have an interview on thursday at noon.
everyone fucking wish me luck because i need this job. it's a book store AND it pays good, its perfect for me.
oh, and...
What American Idol Are You?
|
|
Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, September 6th, 2002
|
|
|
New Word Components Definition
1: stereomaxx (stereo-maxx) solid or three dimensional maxx
2: hematomaxxeous (hemato-maxx-eous) having the nature of blood maxx
3: submaxx (sub-maxx) below or under maxx
4: maxxess (maxx-ess) a female maxx
5: comaxxable (co-maxx-able) capable or worthy of with maxx
6: maxxism (maxx-ism) action, process or practice of maxx
7: macromaxx (macro-maxx) long, large maxx
8: promaxxisation (pro-maxx-isation) process or result of doing or making supporting or favoring maxx
9: hypomaxx (hypo-maxx) below or less than maxx
10: maxxing (maxx-ing) action, process or art of maxx
11: maxxful (maxx-ful) full of maxx
12: heteromaxx (hetero-maxx) different from maxx
13: thermmaxxlogy (therm-maxx-logy) science, theory or study of heat of maxx
14: outmaxxate (out-maxx-ate) resembling or characterized by surpassing or exceeding maxx
15: hematomaxx (hemato-maxx) blood maxx
16: overmaxxion (over-maxx-ion) action or process of excessive maxx
17: hemimaxxably (hemi-maxx-ably) performing in a manor worth of half maxx
18: maxxitis (maxx-itis) inflammation or disease of maxx
19: mulitmaxx (mulit-maxx) many, much maxx
20: maxxphobia (maxx-phobia) fear of maxx
21: maxxious (maxx-ious) full of or having the qualities of maxx
22: acromaxx (acro-maxx) top, tip or end maxx
23: hypermaxxgraphy (hyper-maxx-graphy) representation of or process of representing above or beyond maxx
24: malmaxx (mal-maxx) bad, ill maxx
25: maxxive (maxx-ive) performing or tending toward maxx
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, August 30th, 2002
|
|
|
last night was really great, i was supposed to go to grinder with Rose but that ended up not happening. this girl from a coffeehouse called her and asked her to perform her poetry at Uncommon Ground, so Kamika and I decided to chill out there.
the poetry was pretty good, Rose's was wonderful as i knew it would be. i had a really good time, dispite them attempting to get me to read something. the food was bad but that atmosphere was fuckin' wonderful and the kids were cool.
after this was over we met some dykes outside and they ended up going to IHOP with us, they were really nice girls. and one of them reminded me of the Borders job cuz she just got hired. [hurray!] so we all got some grub and talked for quite a while.
when we were going home Rose said something to the two dykes about me being her best buddy, it made me feel really good. it's nice to have people here who understand and respect me.
today was job day! downtown kamika applied to the Bath and Body shop being constructed like a block away, i applied to Borders. after that we went to get her check from Jo-Ann.
when we got home i literally fell apart from all of the walking of the last couple days and the fact that i had to go to my shitty-ass job in 5 minutes and the fact that i was on my period. i just lost control of my emotions, which i hate, but kamika made me feel all better. <3 i didn't go to work though, when they called i was probably still freaking out, kamika told them i was sick, thank god. i really hope i get a new job asap.
anyway, we just now got home from Panera Bread and the bank, but i dropped off applications at Barnes & Nobles and Panera Bread and i'm going to apply to Kinko's online when i'm done with this. someone needs to give me a job!
that's pretty much the sum of my last couple days. yep.
|
|
Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, August 24th, 2002
|
|
|
the alix olson performance last night was wonderful.
and i finally met a friend i've had for months online, and she's wonderful.
and i'm applying for a job at ups, which would make the money situation wonderful.
and now i'm gonna go to a yard sale. rawk.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, August 23rd, 2002
|
|
|
maxx.is.dead.org
Maxx is a real cuddler
Maxx is a WHITE TRASH WHORE
MAXX is the toughest of the tough
Maxx is a homeless guy with lots of problems who just happens to look really cool
Maxx is designed to be used as a dietary supplement in conjunction with proper nutrition and exercise
Maxx is a full time operation—not a hobby
MAXX is an interesting example of what could be done with a Personal Robot
Maxx is 20% thinner than standard condoms, yet meets or exceeds all government quality and strength requirements
MAXX IS THE ANSWER!!!
|
|
Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
|
|
|
back in '99 i went to school here in chicago. [well, i didn't GO to school so much but you get the idea.] i lived with two very annoying girls and one very not annoying girl. the not annoying girl was named gina and we were best friends as far as i'm concerned.
it was a strange friendship. i was a dyke and a punk and a big fucking slacker. she was straight and a model and she went to most of her classes. but we got along for some reason, we talked about everything.
well, gina came in my work yesterday. it was like old times for the 5 minutes she was there, we even managed to make fun of an old roommate. anyway, she gave me her number and i'm gonna call her today or tomorrow sometime.
i'm really excited that i got to see her but i'm also dreading having to out myself again, having to explain being genderqueer yet again. the thing is i'm 90% sure she'll be cool with it once she gets it and i need this friendship back. she's a lot of fun and i've missed her.
the end.
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, August 19th, 2002
|
|
|
today is gonna be a good day. i was dreaming earlier and something was funny, i was laughing in my sleep so kamika woke me up. then i couldn't stop laughing about the fact that i was laughing in my sleep. after that i walked her partway to work [to the mcd's by us] and got some breakfast [i'm all about mcd's breakfast]. and now i'm fixin' to go my ass back to bed, and tonight is the le tigre show!
[also. this weekend was great. A was here and we had lotsa fun. ze rocks!]
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
|
|
|
People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:
Being introduced to other people
Being teased or criticized
Being the center of attention
Being watched while doing something
Meeting people in authority ("important people")
Most social encounters, especially with strangers
Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something
Interpersonal relationships, whether friendships or romantic
This list is certainly not a complete list of symptoms -- other feelings have been associated with social anxiety as well.
The physiological manifestations that accompany social anxiety may include intense fear, racing heart, turning red or blushing, excessive sweating, dry throat and mouth, trembling, swallowing with difficulty, and muscle twitches, particularly about the face and neck.
Constant, intense anxiety that does not go away is the most common feature.
People with social anxiety disorder know that their anxiety is irrational and does not make "head" (i.e., cognitive) sense. Nevertheless, "knowing" something is not the same thing as "believing" and "feeling" something.
Thus, for people with social anxiety, thoughts and feelings of anxiety persist and show no signs of going away -- despite the fact that socially-anxious people "face their fears" every day of their lives.
Only the appropriate therapy works to alleviate social anxiety disorder, the largest anxiety disorder, and the one that few people know anything about.
this is so me. eek.
|
|
Comments: Read 19 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
okay.